Why Kids Lie: A Child Therapist’s Guide for Parents

Understanding the reasons behind lying and how parents can guide children with calm, constructive responses 

By Heather Steele, LCMHC Owner & Lead Therapist, Morrisville Counseling and Consulting

Most parents are caught off guard the first time their child lies to them—especially when it’s a child who’s usually well-behaved and emotionally in tune.

I often hear things like, “But we’ve always taught honesty,” or “They’ve never done this before—why now?”

Here’s what I want you to know: lying is normal. It doesn’t mean your child is on a bad path, and it certainly doesn’t mean you’ve failed them.

It means they’re learning how to be a person. And part of that learning process includes navigating mistakes—and figuring out what happens when they make one.

Why Do Kids Lie?

It’s rarely because they’re bad or manipulative. Most of the time, lying is a way to meet a need or avoid a consequence. Here are some common, developmentally normal reasons kids lie:

• Avoiding punishment: They’re afraid of getting in trouble and think lying might protect them.

• Pleasing adults: Some kids lie to avoid disappointing you. If your approval means everything to them, they may fib to keep the peace.

• Imagination vs. truth: For younger children—especially under age six—the line between fantasy and reality is still blurry. Their “lies” may be more like storytelling.

• Testing boundaries: As kids get older, they may lie to see what they can get away with. This isn’t defiance—it’s curiosity about how rules work.

• Protecting others: Some kids lie to cover for a sibling or friend, especially when loyalty feels more important than honesty.

It’s Not About You

It’s easy to take lying personally. But your child’s decision to lie isn’t a reflection of your parenting. Good kids lie. Secure, loved children lie. Children in healthy homes still lie.

That doesn’t mean we ignore it—but it does mean we need to handle it thoughtfully. Reacting with shame, harsh punishments, or labeling your child as a “liar” can do more harm than good.

Those responses often teach kids to hide their mistakes instead of helping them learn from them.

Getting to the Heart of the Lie: Understanding What’s Beneath the Surface

When a child lies, it’s rarely just about the surface issue—whether it’s sneaking an extra snack or saying they finished their homework when they didn’t.

The behavior is often a clue pointing to something deeper: fear of punishment, a desire for approval, a struggle with impulse control, or even anxiety they don’t yet know how to name.

As parents, our job isn’t just to stop the lying—it’s to get curious about what it means.

Start by asking yourself:

• Was the lie about avoiding consequences? This might suggest your child feels anxious or overwhelmed—perhaps discipline feels unpredictable or too intense.

• Was it to impress others or avoid embarrassment? This can point to self-esteem struggles or social pressure.

• Was the lie impulsive or random? That might indicate trouble with self-regulation or an immature grasp of reality—especially in younger kids.

Instead of reacting with anger or disappointment, try saying something like, “I want to understand why you felt like you had to say that.” The goal is to create a sense of safety—so your child feels secure enough to be honest with you, even when it’s hard.

If lying becomes frequent or seems to signal something deeper—like anxiety, perfectionism, or emotional dysregulation—working with a child therapist can make a meaningful difference.

A trained counselor can help your child (and you) explore the emotional roots of lying and build the tools for more honest, confident communication.

What to Do Instead

How you respond when your child lies can shape how they learn from the experience.

Here are a few effective strategies:

• Stay calm: Take a breath before reacting. Kids notice your tone even more than your words.

• Avoid labels: Say, “It’s important to be honest,” instead of, “You’re a liar.”

• Talk about honesty as a value: Frame it as something that builds trust and connection—not just a rule to follow.

• Make it safe to tell the truth: Let your child know that honesty might come with a consequence, but also with your respect.

• Address the deeper need: Try to understand what your child was hoping to avoid or achieve by lying—and respond to that.

When to Be Concerned

While occasional lying is a normal part of childhood development, there are times when it may signal something more serious.

If your child lies frequently, lies in ways that hurt others, or seems unconcerned about the impact of their dishonesty, it may be time to seek professional support.

Chronic lying can sometimes be a sign of unresolved anxiety, emotional overwhelm, or trauma.

A licensed therapist can help your child build the emotional skills they need to express themselves honestly and handle mistakes with confidence.

Encouragement for Parents

It’s natural to feel hurt or disappointed when your child lies.

But every moment like this is a chance to teach—not just about honesty, but about courage, empathy, and growth.

At Morrisville Counseling and Consulting, we support families through all the messy, emotional moments of parenting.

If you're facing behavioral issues like lying, defiance, or anxiety in your child, know this: you're not alone, and help is available.